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Saturday, January 06, 2007

If I could have those moments back.

I'd have the moments when I said 'I'll be there in a while' as I finished a row or two of my knitting.

I'd want those moments when you'd annoyed me and I was sulking, purposely delaying the 'kiss and make-up' time.

Give me the moments when I took so long in the bathroom getting 'beautiful' when you'd already told me I was lovely enough.

All those moments and many more I wish I'd just spent hugging you. If I could have them back now they'd probably add up to several days and I could really use those days now!

We kissed and hugged plenty , but there were never enough kisses stored away to last me through these long nights. There were'nt enough hugs kept safe to keep me warm now.

The love we shared then ; well I squandered it.

I gloried in our happiness and thought the days of plenty would always be here. I should have put some in the bank, but I never expected a time to come when there'd be a shortfall. Is that how all spendthrifts are?

I need to write down memories of you and us. I can't lose them a second time. They'll have some extra life here and I can look and read whenever I want. Other people can too, I don't mind. I'm happy for our love to be known; that keeps it real.

So sometimes I'll use this page to put down the good stuff, the funny stuff. There really wasn't any bad stuff before the end.

Rocks of All Sizes
A memory came to me yesterday in the pet shop. Wandering around killing time I was pricing the fish tanks till I noticed some decorative rocks.

Remember we had lots of pretty rocks in the cafe aquarium. You remember those goldfish and how the kids liked to watch them?

You knew I liked rocks because I was always bringing home selections from the beach and our flat was full of them.

After we retired you even helped me fetch rocks back in the car to decorate our new garden. One day I found a lump of something volcanic that I lusted after. It was big and mostly yellow with lumpy pink streaks, maybe it wouldn't be to everyone's taste but I wanted it.

I tried to excavate around it and for half an hour I struggled to free it from the sand.You and the dogs were off walking somewhere. By the time you returned I was reduced to tears of disappointment; this was one big heavy lump and it wouldn't budge.

We went home with some pebbles.

A few days later you went out alone in the car.When you came back the dogs were bouncing everywhere as you staggered in through the gate lugging my prized rock.

The thing weighed at least 10 kilos and you'd carried it uphill from the beach and fetched it home for me. That rock sat on our living room floor for two years and was my prized possession.

But I'm sorry I had to leave it behind when I left, it was too big to pack.

I have another 'rocky' memory.

One time we'd driven down to London on a winter Sunday to trawl the street markets. We arrived very early and enjoyed breakfast in someone else's cafe. Then we passed some 'arty' shops and in a window I saw some work I thought was really good.

The artist had taken pieces of stone and had bored holes large enough to take one or more tealights, around these holes he'd set tiny metal figures.
Little ape-men who warmed themselves at the candle flames. The shop was shut and 'though I really loved one particular piece I knew I couldn't get it because we rarely came to London.

Christmas came that year and among my presents was a small heavy bundle. It was my little ape-man at his fire.

You'd phoned the shop and arranged to buy the piece.
I still have that little man and I often warm his cold body with candles.

If i didn't say it at the time I was more thrilled with those two rocks than any of the other lovely things you gave me.

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